(I am adding this lighter humorous segment to my blog, let me know if you enjoy it!)
If you’re anything like me, you would have noticed that something was stirring in the Harry Potter community. As a person who always gets the Harry Potter references (no matter how detailed or insignificant – I know the books way too well to even admit to it) when I saw all of these nonsensical Irvsndsasd (<– clearly what it was) words I knew I have missed something.
Well the word was Ilvermorny and that’s the newest addition to the extended family of magical schools on Pottermore! J. K. Rowling not only wrote a big chapter about the school here on Potermore but also included a sorting test – clearly the most exciting feature of the website. So naturally I had to take this. As I enjoy watching others take these silly tests (you know the likes of ‘What’s your spiritual animal’ etc.) somewhat to a curious amount, I have decided that maybe that’s a thing and so I am adding this to the ever extending list of my new segments. Please do let me know if you enjoy this, because I do not want to do this if it’s just going to increase the level of people thinking I am just plain weird.
Now if you’re short on time, just skip to the test! 🙂 If not then I hope you enjoy my offensive version of the story.
Anyway, I hope you go and read the story, if you’re a fan then I know you will, but if you decide that it’s too long and you don’t really care all that much, here is the shittiest summary of it: an Irish girl was born in to a decent family, but of course, as any other ‘superhero/main character’ had to lose these decent parents in a tragedy of some sorts only to be taken by a villain, an aunt in this case. Oh the aunt also killed the parents, must have been on her period. Aunt flow. Get it? Idk. The aunt was all like ‘pure bloods are the only decent living things and pretty much Team Voldemort (though this clearly precedes him). She didn’t let Isolt (the girl) to go to Hogwarts, as it’s so infected with muggle borns and half breeds, so she just home ‘schooled’ her. Somehow Isolt stayed sane and after she learned enough magic, stole the wand from her Hitler aunt and ran away to America. Maybe she wanted to go and be an actress in LA, no one knows, but instead she went into a weird-ass magical forest where she was almost eaten, but also saved another weird human-disliking creature that’s called Pukwudgie. He called himself William, because he’s cool, and because he could. They went separate ways when Isolt decided to rescue 2 kids from the same monster William was attacked previously, but since he doesn’t like humans he was all like ‘so long’. The woman nursed the kids back to health and also met a No-Maj (muggle in American. I do not approve of this) called James. They fell in love and kept the kids. The kids wanted to go to Hogwarts but since Isolt can’t go back to UK (I might not be able too soon) because of her evil aunt, she and James decided to create a school, half as a joke. The kids wanted it to be as Hogwarts so they chose 4 favourite creatures as their houses:
- Chadwick (kid no 1) ‘an intelligent but temperamental’ boy chose a Thunderbird. A bird that creates storms as it flies. Slytherin.
- Webster (kid no 2) ‘argumentative but fiercely loyal’ chose a Wampus (sounds like an STD ‘Oh man, you got Wampus?! I told you to be careful!’) So I take it it’s Huffulpuff but with an edge
- Isolt chose Horned Serpent – a huge lake snake lizard thingy that she keeps going to meet and having a gossip sesh in Parseltongue with (Isolt is related to Salazar). Ravenclaw
- And James selected Pukwudgie because the stories made him laugh…..Sure, why not. This is for Gryffindor as you will see later.
Oh yeah, the guy was conveniently a builder and so built the house/school with his bare hands. Talk about sexy!
For Chadwick’s 11th birthday Isolt had a dream that the Serpent gave her a shard of it’s horn, so naturally she woke the husband and took the dream to be true, went to the lake and took what’s hers. Poor Serpent. James, with his non-magical magic hands carved an exceptional wand. Yay!
The school got popular and people gathered from local, then not so local, places to be taught witchcraft and wandcraft. Isolt and James were very nice people but no fucking way were they sharing the Serpent shards with anyone else. Just the boys. Teachers pets.
James and Isolt had sex and had twin girls, Martha & Rionach – both in honour of their dead mothers.
Everything was nice and peachy, so obviously this is where the evil aunt comes in. But she was only coming to celebrate her marriage with a non-magical man and offer some belated gifts to her nephews and nieces. Lol jk, she was not impressed. She wanted her wand back. Oh, and you know…to kill Isolt. #families. Aunt put her niece and James to sleep and commanded the wand to sleep. Apparently this wasn’t your every day pesky wand, this was the actual wand of Salazar Slytherin, so I assume it was passed through generations for reasons other than them not affording to buy new ones. The evil (b)witch did not know about the adopted boys, who were now 16 and 14 and very much awake. It is made clear that the boys were eavesdropping and in fact knew about all of this nasty Irish situation and so Chadwick did something retarded and ran outside to ‘stop the witch’. Solid plan, mate. The other one tried to wake up the parents by shaking them (also a genius plan, wizard boy) from a clearly magically induced sleep, then gave up and joined the fight. Luckily for them, the aunt was also not the brightest and did not overpower them for the fear that they might be pure blood and you wouldn’t want to harm a pure blood now would you. Only at this point do the twins start to scream in fear and then, you know it, the old love magic thingy happens and the slumber party ends.
The Harry Potter story repeats itself, the parents are with no working wands, the dad stands in front of the cribs ready to die for the babies. Now an unexpected turn of events – it’s William the Puckwudgie. It was probably just an excuse to murder a human, but hooray he saved the day by piercing her through her heart. Apperently he had come because Isol was shouting his name, though it wasn’t really his. Then James went all fan-girl on him and despite William hating humans, he changed that to flattery and moved his whole racist little family over to the neighbourhood. He proceeded to declare that humans are stupid and need protecting and pretty much created a security company. Interesting.
So now to the happy ever after. The school did great and is knows as the most tolerant of them all. The oldest son became a traveler and an author for Charms. Met a Mexican healer and had famous babies. The second son pretty much became a freelancer Auror and went back to UK on a case just to fall in love with a Scottish ‘lassie’ and get their babies into Hogwarts – traitors! The older twin Martha was sadly a Squib, and although loved just the same, couldn’t stand everyone being magical and went away to find love and live a simple No-Maj life. Bummer. The younger one became a teacher in Defence Against the Dark Arts and died a virgin because she feared to pass the evil Parseltongue gene. If only she knew she wasn’t the only descendent. Hope she didn’t actually die a virgin.
The sorting of the houses is actually no done by a hat but rather with some stone-reactions, and you can be sorted to all 4 houses, which basically means you can choose. So like Divergent. Cool cool cool.
Anyway, this ended up being almost as long haha. Congrats if you made it. You should go and read the original though, which is properly written and is actually really amazing. Now to the actual test! Whoop.
ANSWER: Of course I prefer experience. You would automatically get to remember it after. So you get both. C’mon. Easy. Next!
ANSWER: Oh man, this question is hard. Also depressing. All of those would make me extremely sad. After some thought though I have to go with hope. As cheesy as it is, I think none of the above would make you very happy if you didn’t have hope.
ANSWER: it was between convention and myself. Although my boyfriend would probably say Other people’s patience haha. I chose myself.
ANSWER: okay, first of all, holy crap this had a lot of options! Secondly I love this question! I think I would definitely ask how everything began (the universe). You don’t want to waste this question on something silly. Of course you could ask how to cure cancer as well. Anyhow, the answer I would like to hear is ‘I will show you everything’. I would love that very much, thank you.
ANSWER: I am already almost never asleep and constantly have stupid songs stuck in my head, it would be either being dumb or finding nothing funny. would rather be stupid but happy. So sense of humour it is! Who’s with me?
ANSWER: I can keep my mouth shut, I say no more than I probably should, I am actually very organised unless it’s something for the blog haha, so I will go for the mysterious one! Because if I learnt the secret I could be a witch or rich. Or both. And that would be cool
ANSWER: In all fairness it is a very stupid question, it’s hardly even that.
ANSWER: Sorry baby, I wish you and the possible 1000 lives could all live/ I would like to think I would do the reasonable thing and take the bottle. I am not sure how it would go down in reality but this isn’t it. I hate this. This will totally get me into Slytherin!
Oh man! What did I just say? This isn’t fair. My other house is Ravenclaw by the way.
“Named by Chadwick Boot after his favourite magical beast, the Thunderbird, a beast that can create storms as it flies. Thunderbird house is sometimes considered to represent the soul of a witch or wizard. It is also said that Thunderbird favours adventurers.”
Okay that’s not too bad actually. At last it’s bad ass and powerful. At least I am not William.
This has gotten so long! If you made it – yay congratulations!
Let me know if you enjoyed this and al;so if you had taken this, which choices did you make and where were you sorted? I can’t wait to read all your comments (now don’t leave me hanging by not commenting haha, that’s just rude.)